My own Personal Hell and Heaven

A shallow wind blows into my window, makes it vibrate like it's just been hit by a hurricane of emotions that are boiling inside of me. The rain cries the tears that dried out on my cheek. It cries the symphony of the pain that my chest is playing inside of me for days. The melody that is so familiar to me that ironically i know all to well. I look up and i can see the rain wrapped fog slowly but surely fading away, that reassures me that the deep pain that is clutching my chest will fade just like the thick fog in my rusted in a need of cleaning window. My cold, pain wrapped fingers clutch the picture of the source of my nightmare resembling reality. The deep black eyes looking at my from the other side. The warm smile that was captured in time by a simple touch of the button in a now vintage camera. Even after all these years i still feel like the adorable simile that made my heart his own personal prisoner. It's been so long that he passed to the other side, but to me it feels like it's just been a couple of seconds. Years came and went, every birthday, every christmas, every meaningful holiday that should have been speciol was no longer meaningful. The years that came they went se same way, with a deep heartache. Now the tears don't even show, they dried out like the great Sahara desert. The walls no longer hear the cheers and sounds of laughs, mirrors no longer reflect the happiness in the house. Everything is dark, empty, soundless, humanless. Everyone moved on, now living their lives without even a simple thought of what they are leaving behind. I Understand why this happened, i take a full responsibility, i no longer blame them. Probably would have done the same thing if a have had a whole entire life ahead of me, just like they do. I am sitting here alone, empty, stuck in time and my memories of him. Maybe i've gone crazy, i don't know. I am waiting for him to come down the stairs an take me with him, beyond the clouds or under the ground. Who knows. I no longer hear the floor squeak, or water hitting the pipes below them. No longer feel the breeze of cold air hitting me. No longer feel anything. It's night time now, the bed is cold as always. My week old body no longer warms it up. My arms no longer reach the usual hug, that makes me feel, like he is still hugging me. I suddenly feel something. I feel to strong manly arms touching my legs, my heart wakes up from a very deep, winter deep sleep. He came, finally my nightmare is almost over. He is climbing on top of me, my head never had so many thoughts as right now, it hit me like a sunshine that i've been looking for. ¨No one will miss your cold, hard like a rock heart¨. I feel my blood runing up and down my body, he is closer i can almost feel the breath on my face. I smile, and under my breath i murmur ¨I've missed you my love¨i open my eyes, i can see him, these deep black eyes, that wonderful smile looking at me. He does not say a thing, just keeps on smiling. We look at each other, don't know how many hours has past but i can see the sunrise, and my love fades with the shadows away. The heartache comes back like a huge tsunami wave. It's unstoppable, you can only brace yourself for it to hit you. My nightmare comes back. My personal hell is back from deep deeo inside of me. Another day has risen, and it will continue like this until he gives me his arms and we can go together. But till then i am stuck with this vicious circle of my own Personal hell and heaven. I just hope that one of these nights instead of smiling at me he will take me with him. Wherever he is. I Just want this to be over for all of us. Mostly for me, but i am to afraid to do something about it myself. So i am anxiously waiting for another of our date night, this time maybe with happy ending.